When School Becomes the Battle

Believe it or not, I used to be the mum who would skip her way to the school gate to deliver the kid to a teacher, eternally grateful for the existence of schools, and that would then sing freedom on her way out of the school road.

I would walk the dog, meet clients, do the shopping, house chores and collect the kid at the end of the school day, ready to be a mum again.

Wow... how much life has changed!

To be fair, the change came gradually, but steadily too... at first it was having to carry her to the school doors, because she didn't want to walk in. A few tears here and then became full on floats of tears and asking me to stay with her.

I did everything to help her be happier in school, I volunteered for whatever I could that worked around my job. I was even co-chair of the PTA for a while (but really didn't like it).

I organised playdates, made sure she attended the playdates she was invited to, and parties. But I can't remember many playdates where she was ok with me not staying there.

Her anxiety around other kids grew and grew. Making connections became more and more difficult.

And after the pandemic, things got even harder for her to handle and mask. But primary school was still understanding and helpful.

Then secondary school started, and the severity with which kids are treated from year 7, the lack of compassion they have for the kids, the pressure they are under to do well in exams that will come up in year 11 is insane. 

My daughter couldn't cope with that level of stress, that punishment-based method of education. And all other mainstream secondary schools showed the same ethos. Some slightly kinder, some more knowledgeable on neurodivergent kids, some even worse.

But, by the end of her first year in secondary school, we had the head of department threatening us with legal actions and hefty fines because our child couldn't attend school regularly. They were accusing us, the parents, to give her - and I quote - 'too much of a comfortable home'.

I was accused of wanting for my child to be my friend, while I should show her I am her mother and she should do what she's told.

Comments of this kind were also given to our daughter by the child therapist the school provided. They were telling our daughter not to listen to us, her parents, but to simply 'get on with it' and go to school.

I fought for 2 years for my daughter... even with an official diagnosis and an EHCP, things barely changed. 

But my fighting for her, to the point of involving our local MP, paid off when they finally agreed that our child could attend online schooling at the school of my choice (Minerva Virtual Academy).

Because the local authorities delayed, my kid missed months and months of school. I did my best... I taught her myself, but I know I didn't have that level of knowledge to do a good job. I hired tutors I couldn't really afford because, of course, I had to step away from my work and change everything around to suit our new lifestyle. Luckily, my husband's job was safe and we had his income, and at the same time, Kids Around Dogs kept growing, so I also had an income, but honestly, my work with KAD was also keeping me emotionally sane. Knowing the good we were doing out there for kids and dogs, knowing how amazing our pros were, just gave me the strength I needed.

Despite Molly thriving in her first year at Minerva, learning virtually... We are still here, a week away from starting year 11, and the local authorities haven't funded her new academic year yet.

Since March, when I started the process of requesting another year at Minerva, I have had countless emails, phone calls, meetings... promises over promises... strategically planned lies they told me to keep me waiting... hoping.

Our child still doesn't know whether she will have a school to attend to in a week or not... and what's going to happen if things don't go to plan.

Did the local authorities or the council care about my kid? Her education? Her mental health?

They have a duty to care. The law also says she is entitled to a suitable education... and yet... Here we are, completely aware of the massive delays, the months of lost education, the incredibly deep trauma this has created in our kid.

Not to mention that I live in a state of chronic stress and anxiety. But I would do anything to make sure my kid gets the life she deserves. And I also want her to see that I am on her side, I have her back. That I believe her and believe in her! Does that make me her friend? I hope it does! I fully believe a parent isn't just someone that nags, but it's someone who understands their kid, who fights for them, who will be there to celebrate the victories, share the bitterness of the loss, and gear up for the next thing to come. This is parenting, but also friendship.

And they are not mutually exclusive!

I also want her to see that, when you really want something, and really believe in its achievement, you can achieve anything. You might have to work extremely hard at something, and less at others, but determination, resourcefulness and hard work will get you anywhere!

I truly believe that! 

I am not a perfect mum, nor am I the perfect wife, friend, behaviourist... human! But I can proudly say that I will do my utmost best to always look out for my kid... even if the world tries to make life difficult for her, I will let her make her choices, her mistakes, her successes... and I'll be there to support her, for as long as I can and as long as she wants me to.

So... to all the parents out there, who are dreading the start of another school year... you are not alone. I can't promise things will get better, because they probably won't, but have faith in yourself and your child. Don't be afraid to protect your kid, and to trust your instincts.

But do it with kindness... do it keeping your cool, do it in a way that nobody will ever have anything to approach you with.

In the walls of your house, cry it out... with your partner, friends, family, feel free to vent, and 'tell it like it is'. But when discussing with the people in charge, remember who you are doing it all for. Remember your kid is watching and learning how to deal with authorities and people in charge, so your professionalism needs to shine, no matter how mad, frustrated, upset and lost you feel.

Some days, I feel completely worn out, like I don't have anymore to give... but I do, we all do... somewhere deep deep inside, there's the you that knows you have to get up and keep going.

If you possibly can, do take a rest. Ask for help to your 'village'... however, I know too well, when parenting SEN kids, especially if not in school, that village is super duper tiny, if it even exists at all.

If, like us, you have a dog ... Let the dog be your village. Let the love of a dog be your strength...

I'm sending you my love...